Honey, I Shrunk the Conflict with Donna Scott
Does navigating conflict in one or more relationships feel like scaling Mt. Everest?
Try "LUV!"
Therapist, coach, speaker, and author Donna Scott shows how "LUV" can shrink overwhelming conflict to a manageable size. The goal isn't the elimination of conflict (an impossibility!) but to approach it as a way to grow both you and your relationship.
In Part 1 of our conversation, Donna makes active listening understandable and explains the dangers of assumptions. You will learn:
- What grows conflict and what to do instead
- The difference between criticism and complaints
- The cost of contempt -- whether spoken or unspoken
- The 5-1 rule of encouragement
Donna provides an invaluable action you can start taking today: Ask one clarifying question!
Visit Donna's website for her book, The Tapestry of Trauma, and to learn about her counseling practice, speaking engagements, and other resources.
https://www.donnascotttherapy.com/
Empower yourself and your family to engage fully in God’s grand story. Subscribe to Hi(Impact) at Stephanie Presents for insights, encouragement, and practical resources!
Book Stephanie to speak to your women, parents, Christian educators, and students.
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Transcript
If your desire is to become spiritually stronger, emotionally healthier, and relationally smarter, you're at the right place.
Speaker A:Speaker and writer Stephanie Smith inspires and equips you to achieve these three key aims.
Speaker A:If you're a parent, you also learn how to raise empowered kids ready for adulthood.
Speaker A:Let's get started.
Speaker B:Welcome back to the Lives Key 3 podcast.
Speaker B:I am delighted to bring you another guest today.
Speaker B:I have had the privilege of meeting this lovely woman in person, and I can tell you she is like sunshine personified.
Speaker B:You're going to see that when you go to visit her website because she has the most gorgeous smile.
Speaker B:And I might have had to repent more than once that God gave that to her.
Speaker B:Her and not to me.
Speaker B:But Donna Scott is with us today.
Speaker B:She is an author, a speaker, a professional counselor.
Speaker B:She's based in sunny San Diego.
Speaker B:And Donna, I just have to say I'm thinking that because I'm in the Midwest, that I'm just going to book some therapy sessions for about three weeks.
Speaker B:Commit January, you know, have to come see you.
Speaker C:Come on in.
Speaker B:So thanks so much for, for joining us today.
Speaker B:Delighted that you're.
Speaker C:It's a pleasure.
Speaker C:Pleasure.
Speaker B:Oh, well, one of the things for listeners of the podcast, and if you're new and you're like, what in the world is life's key three?
Speaker B:These are the things, the three things that I believe really make a.
Speaker B:The essence of a life well lived, and that is to be spiritually strong, emotionally healthy, and relationally smart.
Speaker B:And today we're going to focus primarily on the last.
Speaker B:But all three of these, of course, are integrated.
Speaker B:And Dot is going to be talking about Honey, I Shrunk the Conflict.
Speaker B:And Don, I just got to say, I love that title.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:The younger ones with this, they're like, what are you talking about?
Speaker B:But, you know, like, hey, okay, you know, if you don't know the movies, Honey I Shrunk the Kids.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:You got to know that.
Speaker B:So great title.
Speaker B:Gives you a little bit of a peek into her.
Speaker B:Her fun personalities.
Speaker B:So, Donna.
Speaker B:And I'm just gonna.
Speaker B:And you feel free to disagree with me on this.
Speaker B:I'm just gonna open this a little bit by saying that conflict is inevitable in human relationships and our.
Speaker B:Our goal cannot be the absence of conflict or to avoid it.
Speaker B:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker B:Because that does not mean the presence of health.
Speaker C:Absolutely not.
Speaker B:You know, and so, but, but what we can do, as mature as maturing, in my case, adults, is to learn what conflict is saying about ourselves and about another person.
Speaker C:Yes.
Speaker B:Because I think ultimately Conflict is about a difference that we have in expectations.
Speaker B:And I know there's this thing kind of going around that somehow love means you have no expectations.
Speaker B:I don't know where that got started.
Speaker B:I think that's ridiculous.
Speaker B:But we, if we can get to that level where we talk at the expectation level, that requires vulnerability, but that's where we can actually really have genuine communication.
Speaker B:But no two people are ever going to, our group of people are ever going to have totally matched up expectations in every aspect of life.
Speaker B:So you as a therapist, as a Christian, as a very intelligent person, have some tools to be able to give to people on how then do we manage and deal with conflict in a way that's doesn't try to eliminate it, but does try, I think to shrink it to a point that, that it's manageable.
Speaker B:So, so first of all, and I know I'm just going to kind of throwing this out there, so when, when we use the word conflict, just to be clear, can you kind of set, when you use, somebody comes in and talks about conflict, how would you define con conflict, you know, for our listeners?
Speaker B:So are we talking about knock down, drag out fights or are we talking about, I thought you were going to pick up the kids and at five and I thought you were going to pick them up before, you know, kind of a deal or when we talk about conflict, paint the picture for what are the types of things that we're, we're talking about here?
Speaker C:Okay, really good question.
Speaker C:So for me, I, I kind of look at conflict as the big umbrella.
Speaker C:And under the umbrella can be a disagreement or you know, you hear the statement, okay, we're just going to have to agree and disagree to disagree.
Speaker C:That would come under the conflict umbrella.
Speaker C:What I, what usually comes into my office is the hurt that occurs because of the disagreement.
Speaker C:And generally when they come in, it's everything would be fine if she would just listen to me.
Speaker C:Everything would be great if he would just listen to me.
Speaker C:Oh, my kids would be amazing if they would just listen to me as parents, right?
Speaker C:My boss, my employee.
Speaker C:It's that sense of I'm fine, they're the problem, that's the conflict.
Speaker C:Because when I turn to the other person, they're saying the exact same thing.
Speaker C:And I like what you said about their expectations.
Speaker C:They have different expectations and the expectation is what I say, you will automatically agree with me and we'll get along just fine, right?
Speaker B:Yeah, right.
Speaker C:I'm right, you're wrong, we'll be fine.
Speaker C:But the seat the Lord did not make us all to be clones.
Speaker C:And when I look at people, especially those who are dating or married, they wouldn't want to marry themselves until they want things to go their way.
Speaker C:And part of that is trying to understand that there may not necessarily be a wrong or a right.
Speaker C:It's just what's right for you that might not be right for that current relationship.
Speaker C:And that's where the conflict happens.
Speaker C:And another.
Speaker C:We can think of conflict as a fight.
Speaker C:I kind of think of it as a crash or a clash.
Speaker C:These two minds come together and they're not merging, they're hitting.
Speaker C:And with that kind of hit, with that kind of obstacle, clarity won't happen and connection won't happen.
Speaker C:And that's what makes conflict a problem.
Speaker C:What I love about conflict, Stephanie, is I used to have a talk called Conflict the Road to Intimacy.
Speaker C:Because once you can hear one another and understand one another, there's an intimacy that can develop.
Speaker C:I know you, you probably heard intimacy means into me.
Speaker C:See, because there's something about the conflict that rubs us the wrong way, but that also rubs the mask and moves the mask and gives us an opportunity to share what we are needing in that moment.
Speaker C:And the beauty of the other side of the conflict is God's blessing and a deepening of the relationship and a stronger connection.
Speaker C:You just gotta get through the conflict first.
Speaker B:Well, I have not heard that into me see before.
Speaker D:I like that.
Speaker B:I.
Speaker B:I really like that.
Speaker B:Yes, that, that's, that's great.
Speaker B:And it, it causes us basically to not have to be self centered.
Speaker C:Yes.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Because if all I have to do is say, okay, you change and then we'll all be fine, you know, it kind of doesn't give me a pass to be that.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:So when people have the willingness to walk down this path and to really listen to someone else's perspective, and I think as Stephen Covey wrote, listen with the intent to understand, not respond.
Speaker B:Exactly right, then how does that help to reduce the feelings of defensiveness?
Speaker B:And then the second part of that is, how does that help to promote a compassionate dialogue?
Speaker B:Because you can have compassion and not have always agreement.
Speaker C:Correct.
Speaker C:I think what I liked about the topic about how to shrink conflict, we also have to look at what we do that grows conflict, that swells conflict.
Speaker C:And I'm really trying to understand you and I'm listening to you.
Speaker C:But I love that Stephen Covey quote.
Speaker C:I use it frequently because when one person is sharing something and let's just say, oh my gosh, that is an ugly yellow car, and the listener Is saying, here's ugly car.
Speaker C:And their filter might say, you're talking about my car because my car happens to be yellow.
Speaker C:And that person that say, the husband is looking at something else.
Speaker C:The wife hears a couple of words and starts creating her rebuttal to what to respond to the husband.
Speaker C:And so the rebuttal will come out so quickly.
Speaker C:And the husband's like, where did that come from?
Speaker C:Well, because she listened to respond, and instead of listening to understand.
Speaker C:And that will grow a conflict.
Speaker C:I had.
Speaker C:Well, it was.
Speaker C:I was in church one day in Bible study, and my husband came late, and I was like, texting.
Speaker C:Yeah, don't shoot me for texting in church.
Speaker C:Are you here?
Speaker C:And he texted back, I'm in the back.
Speaker C:So I turn around and I see him, and I text him back, please come sit with me.
Speaker C:I'm cold.
Speaker C:He does not come to sit with me at all.
Speaker C:And I'm saying, what just happened?
Speaker C:Now I'm having a whole dialogue, right?
Speaker C:I'm not trying to seek to understand.
Speaker C:I'm just, like, enraged.
Speaker C:I cannot tell you to this day what the Bible study was about.
Speaker C:I took communion and sin because I had ought against my brother in Christ, my husband.
Speaker C:And afterwards, when we got home, I.
Speaker C:I had my argument all formulated, and the Holy Spirit stopped me and said, wait a minute.
Speaker C:What do you say?
Speaker C:Check it out.
Speaker C:Ask him.
Speaker C:Don't just assume.
Speaker C:And so when I asked him, he said, my phone died.
Speaker C:So that's.
Speaker C:I could have swelled the conflict if I hadn't checked in to why I wasn't getting the response I needed in that moment.
Speaker C:Other things that swell a conflict is constant criticism.
Speaker C:Criticism is different from a complaint.
Speaker C:A complaint is something specific, but criticism is an attack on the person.
Speaker C:But we also have to be aware of contempt.
Speaker C:Contempt is where insults are coming in.
Speaker C:In name calling.
Speaker C:Can you imagine feeling connected with someone who is calling you names like stupid or lazy?
Speaker C:So that goes.
Speaker C:That's added to.
Speaker C:I'm not attacking the person because you didn't wash the.
Speaker C:I mean, I'm not attacking the issue because you didn't wash the dishes.
Speaker C:I'm attacking you because you didn't do that.
Speaker C:And.
Speaker C:And defensiveness that Stephanie was talking about and stonewalling that person.
Speaker C:They pretend to be listening to you, but you know, you're talking to a stone wall.
Speaker C:And that connection absolutely does not happen.
Speaker C:And that's contrary to what God said.
Speaker C:I love James 1:19, where it says, understand this, my dear brothers and sisters.
Speaker C:You must be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.
Speaker C:So what shrinks?
Speaker C:Conflict.
Speaker C:Learning how to talk in love.
Speaker C:L, U, V.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker B:And you're gonna.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And so that's an acronym that you have.
Speaker B:And I.
Speaker B:I want to dive into that.
Speaker B:I want to go back just very quickly.
Speaker B:I love these things that you've identified, first of all, to understand what.
Speaker B:What grows conflict.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And also, you know, that story, you know, about your husband and text and the phone dying and learning to ask and not assume.
Speaker B:So you're throwing out these great scripture verses.
Speaker B:And what popped into my mind was something that my high school history teacher said.
Speaker B:It's terrible the things that stick in a kid's mind.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:But what he said one day is he said, there is a reason that the first three letters of assume are what they are.
Speaker B:I've heard that you're in trouble.
Speaker C:Yes.
Speaker B:So I know if I tell you anything else about that class, but somehow that stuck with me.
Speaker B:I'm not sure what that says about my brain, but there we go.
Speaker B:But, you know, I have.
Speaker B:I have had those experiences where.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And sometimes those can be very, very costly experiences where we make those assumptions.
Speaker B:So I like what you.
Speaker B:That you brought that out, because before we respond with our assumptions, and you said, check it out.
Speaker C:Check it out.
Speaker C:I tell my.
Speaker C:I tell everybody that there really should be an eleventh commandment.
Speaker C:Thou shall not assume.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:So there's.
Speaker B:There's one practical thing that somebody could do and that might be to ask at least one question, to give some space, to just check out.
Speaker B:Okay, is what I'm thinking happened, you know, real here?
Speaker B:The other comment that I just want to make, you know, you were talking about contempt and name calling, and I think it's important for us to know it's not just what comes out of our mouth, because we can hold contempt in our minds.
Speaker C:Yes.
Speaker B:And that is going to have a detrimental impact.
Speaker B:It's not just what we say.
Speaker B:It's what we are thinking in our heart.
Speaker B:So even if we never verbally vocalize.
Speaker B:I think you're an idiot.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:If we're thinking that in our brain, it will impact how we're showing up, and it will have an impact in that relationship.
Speaker B:So let's get to love, luv.
Speaker B:So tell us what that acronym stands for.
Speaker B:And then how.
Speaker B:How do those.
Speaker B:What are some practices that we can put into place so that we live that out in our lives?
Speaker C:Okay.
Speaker C:Well, I think one of the things before I get to the acronym that really helps.
Speaker C:Well, I'll say that.
Speaker C:So L.
Speaker C:Is listen to understand you is understand, then validate, and then V is just validate.
Speaker C:So I'm going to talk about how all those three connect.
Speaker C:I also want to help everyone learn how to be proactive and managing conflict and what steps can we take in advance so that when we do have conflict, it doesn't feel so hurtful and so disconnecting.
Speaker C:In communication, there's a rule that is very little well known and very seldom practiced that for everyone criticism, there needs to be five praises.
Speaker C:The ratio is out of whack.
Speaker C:And that is not a clinical term, but you know what I mean.
Speaker C:We will have five criticisms to maybe, maybe one praise.
Speaker C:So when we can learn how to flip that and, and share more praises, more positive interactions to the one criticism, things will kind of flip.
Speaker C:And on the handout, I have some ideas for you listed, but one is be affectionate.
Speaker C:Another one is show you care, joke around, share your joy.
Speaker C:If you're with someone who tends to share all their problems but nothing goes right, you know, like, how are you doing?
Speaker C:Oh, I had a rough time today.
Speaker C:Next day, how are you doing?
Speaker C:Oh, my knee aches.
Speaker C:Next day, right?
Speaker C:It's like, right, I don't really want to be in communication with you, right?
Speaker C:So it's like, be proactive and literally think.
Speaker C:When you think of something that you want to maybe complain about or share about and then think, okay, I can share this, but when's the last time I shared something that was going, well, when's the last time I shared something that was going right?
Speaker C:Because sometimes when conflict is happening because there's all these wounds already in your spirit and in your heart that when you finally get to the point where you're ready to talk, it's hard to listen.
Speaker C:The defensiveness is already there.
Speaker C:You know, if my, if my husband talks about, oh, the chicken wasn't cooked all the way right, it just feels like he's attacking me.
Speaker C:And my response really wants to be, well, if you don't like the way I cook, then you do all the cooking, right?
Speaker C:That's not a connecting response, really.
Speaker C:The better response is like, I, what we call clarifying questions.
Speaker C:I, I don't know if you, if my listeners are, are aware of.
Speaker C:Active listening is a tool that is so powerful and so frustrating because it slows the conversation down.
Speaker C:When some if.
Speaker C:When my husband says, I don't think the chicken was cooked all the way through, active listening is repeating back what I heard him say.
Speaker C:Because the way we can listen to understand is really understanding what was said, not what we assume was said.
Speaker C:So I would turn to my husband and say, are you.
Speaker C:It sounds like you're talking about my cooking abilities.
Speaker C:Because that's what I'm hearing.
Speaker C:That, okay, the chicken wasn't cooked all the way through.
Speaker C:Then he must think I'm a horrible cook and ask what I'm going to respond to.
Speaker C:Like, you think you can cook?
Speaker C:Because.
Speaker C:But that's.
Speaker C:Is that what he said?
Speaker C:That gives him the chance to say, no, I'm not talking about your cooking.
Speaker C:I'm just talking about the chicken.
Speaker C:So you aren't saying I'm a bad cook?
Speaker C:No, no, I'm not saying that.
Speaker C:Conflict avoided right there.
Speaker C:Just with that first check in.
Speaker C:That first check in to make sure you're hearing what you heard.
Speaker C:Now, on the flip side, if I say it sounds like you are attacking my cookie and he says, well, you're right.
Speaker C:You don't cook.
Speaker C:Well.
Speaker C:Okay, ladies and gentlemen, fight on.
Speaker C:But here's why I say that.
Speaker C:Because now you're fighting on the facts, not what you think the facts are.
Speaker C:You now have proof that what you thought you heard, you really did hear.
Speaker C:But I don't like math.
Speaker C:But I would say a good 75 to 80% when we're having that conflict, we really didn't hear what was said.
Speaker C:So that's how you listen, to understand.
Speaker C:And I like this verse in Proverbs 18:2, and it says, a fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.
Speaker B:That's powerful.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:Don't want to be fools in our relationships.
Speaker C:We don't.
Speaker C:I.
Speaker C:Please hear me.
Speaker C:I understand.
Speaker C:I get.
Speaker C:I get it.
Speaker C:You want to be heard.
Speaker C:You don't want to be dismissed.
Speaker C:You don't want to be shamed or talked about or wounded.
Speaker C:And you want.
Speaker C:If you need to share your wounds, if you need to share your hurt, you need that person to be able to hear you and not be defensive.
Speaker C:So the thing about listening to understand is let the walls down, put down the defenses, and at least know for sure.
Speaker B:Sure.
Speaker C:What it is you need to defend.
Speaker D:All right, my friend, we are going to pause this conversation here and we will pick it up next week when we finish our conversation on Honey, I shrunk the conflict.
Speaker D:I invite you.
Speaker D:Make sure you go to Donna's website.
Speaker D:It's Donna D O N N A Scott S C O T T therapy dot com.
Speaker D:She is a speaker, an author.
Speaker D:She's got a great book, the Tapestry of Trauma, as well as she is a counselor and a life coach that you can work with.
Speaker D:It doesn't matter where you are located.
Speaker D:You can find out all of those things again@donnascotttherapy.com oh well, this has been a rich conversation today and I know that you've taken at least one idea that you can use to move forward in your life.
Speaker D:Because we are never going to get to the point that we don't have conflict and that's not our objective.
Speaker D:It's not to think.
Speaker D:Okay, well, maturity or a healthy relationship is the absence of conflict because that is not the case.
Speaker D:It is to be able to navigate conflict with health in a good way.
Speaker D:That builds us, that builds our relationships, and that is not destructive.
Speaker D:So remember, ask at least one question to clarify if what you are thinking is true.
Speaker D:You want to fight on the facts, not on assumptions or on wrong beliefs.
Speaker D:Ask clarifying questions as you engage in active listening.
Speaker D:And don't be afraid of too much encouragement.
Speaker D:Everyone needs more encouragement.
Speaker D:So there's so much that we've taken away from today and next week we will pick up with part two of this.
Speaker D:We're going to dive into more of active listening.
Speaker D:What do you do once you understand what the other person has truly said?
Speaker D:What do you do when a conversation seems to be going just fine and then all of a sudden something gets said and you're like, what in the world just happened?
Speaker D:And the response doesn't match the conversation?
Speaker D:How do you understand what's going on?
Speaker D:And then how do you deal with that?
Speaker D:We're also going to look at how do you validate when you don't agree?
Speaker D:Are those two things exclusive or is it possible to do it?
Speaker D:We're going to talk about more.
Speaker D:That's going to be next week in part two of my conversation with Donna Scott.
Speaker D:Remember this, my friend, as we close out today and carry this truth with you.
Speaker D:You have an impact that is immeasurable, eternal and irreplaceable.
Speaker D:I'll see you next time.
Speaker A:Thank you for listening.
Speaker A:Visit the website stephaniepresents.com and sign up for High Impact to join the mission of building spiritually strong, emotionally healthy and relationally smart women and families.
Speaker A:You can also book Stephanie to speak at your event and check out additional resources.
Speaker A:Together we can invite and equip generations to engage fully in God's grand story.
