Reaching for Joy With a Broken Heart with Michelle Ruddell
Is experiencing or expressing joy in the midst of great loss and grief a betrayal? A sign of denial? An unhealthy coping mechanism?
Author and speaker Michelle Ruddell knows joy and sorrow not only can co-exist but must if loss and grief aren't allowed to turn into bitterness. Losing her five-year-old son in a car accident while 12 weeks pregnant with her daughter, Michelle rejected the debilitating words spoken to her. Instead, she determined with God's help to not become a broken and bitter person.
In Part 1 of our conversation, Michelle shares her journey of facing her "new normal," with candor. She gives practical wisdom for the person in the midst of loss, grief, and suffering and for those who want to help. Whether it's "Don't say this" or "Do this," Michelle speaks with a rare blend of authority and tenderness.
You'll want more than one copy of Michelle's book, Welcome to the Club -- I'm Sorry You're Here. This is a great resource to keep on hand for when someone else's world comes crashing down.
Invite Michelle to speak! Your audience will absolutely come away hope-filled!
https://www.amazon.com/Welcome-Club-Im-Sorry-Youre-Here/dp/1795239204/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0
Visit Stephanie Presents for resources, to book speaking engagements, and get the weekly newsletter, Hi(Impact)!
Click here to order your copy of The Great Brain Remodel of Adolescence or purchase from Amazon
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Transcript
If your desire is to become spiritually stronger, emotionally healthier and relationally smarter, you're at the right place.
Speaker A:Speaker and writer Stephanie Smith inspires and equips you to achieve these three key aims.
Speaker A:If you're a parent, you also learn how to raise empowered kids ready for adulthood.
Speaker A:Let's get started.
Speaker B:Welcome to the Lives K3 episode I podcast and also YouTube channel.
Speaker B:I'm delighted to have a guest with me, Michelle Riddell.
Speaker B:I have had the privilege of meeting her in person and she is an absolute delight.
Speaker B:She is a person of depth and also great fun.
Speaker B:She is a speaker, an author, a teacher and she is going to share with with you today some information that isn't just theory, it's also things that she loves.
Speaker B:So, Michelle, thank you so much and just welcome to the show today.
Speaker C:Thank you for having me.
Speaker B:Absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker B:So Michelle, one of the things that you focus on and you talk a lot about is how joy and sorrow can coexist.
Speaker B:And that's not something that is a theoretical exercise for you.
Speaker B:That is something that you live, not just you've lived, but you continue to live that.
Speaker B:So you can you kind of just share some of your story with the listeners here so they can just get a dive into, from, from the get go about how you came to know and to live that truth.
Speaker C:Thank you.
Speaker C: When in: Speaker C:We'd been divorced and we remarried in August, in September or October we found out we were expecting.
Speaker C:We had a son who was 5 and we just found out we were also expecting.
Speaker C: And then in December of: Speaker C:I laid on the bed in that hospital room, in the emergency room and was told that my five year old son was gone.
Speaker C:Husband was in the next room fighting for his life.
Speaker C:I was 12 weeks pregnant and terrified that I was going to lose that baby.
Speaker C:I got out of the hospital on Tuesday and we buried Matthew on Wednesday.
Speaker C:And the next day was sitting at my mom and dad's house and a neighbor sat across the table and she looked at me and she said, you will never be happy again.
Speaker C:I was so angry at her.
Speaker C:I couldn't believe that she said that.
Speaker C:And I went into the next room and I shut the door and I, I cried out to a God I'd been running from and asked him to help me not let that be true and to not Let her words be true.
Speaker C:My husband got out of the hospital after two and a half months, had a long, difficult recovery.
Speaker C:The wreck was in December.
Speaker C:My daughter, Missy was born in May, perfectly healthy.
Speaker C:And that was the first time I experienced.
Speaker C:I hadn't.
Speaker C:Didn't have words to put with it yet, but here's the joy at this brand new baby.
Speaker C:It was beautiful.
Speaker C:She was healthy.
Speaker C:We'd worried about her the whole time I carried her, and we had overwhelming joy at the birth of this baby.
Speaker C:Yet we were just six months out from the wreck, and we're just still very fresh in the grief of losing Matthew.
Speaker C:It happened again at Christmas.
Speaker C:So it'd been just over a year since the wreck, and Christmas was coming, and none of us, my husband, myself, my parents, nobody felt like celebrating.
Speaker C:But it was Missy's first Christmas, and we decided we couldn't make her first Christmas sad.
Speaker C:So we put up a tree and we cried and we wrapped presents and we wiped the tears and we celebrated and made Missy's first Christmas happy while we were still grieving the loss of our son.
Speaker C:It just became a lesson for me.
Speaker C:I'd always thought that you are either happy or you are sad, but I didn't think you could be both.
Speaker C:And I learned that celebrating that Christmas didn't mean we didn't miss Matthew.
Speaker C:Laughing at things that are funny didn't mean we weren't still grieving.
Speaker C:And so the phrase came to mind of joy and song can coexist.
Speaker C:And if joy and sorrow can coexist in the extremes of losing a child and having a child, then I don't see any circumstance in my life that we can't have that same kind of tension.
Speaker B:Well, Michelle, first of all, I just want to say I know that it's.
Speaker B:It's been some years, but still, losing a child is losing a child.
Speaker B:And so I just want to say that I am sorry that you had to walk through that.
Speaker B:And that's not something that I've experienced.
Speaker B:And honestly, I can't imagine.
Speaker B:I also want to say, I just applaud you for all the thousands of choices that you have made since then, to continue to show up and to not let that other person's words become your reality.
Speaker B:Can you just kind of share with us what are some of the steps that you took?
Speaker B:What are some of the hard choices that you made?
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And I don't want to gloss over that like, oh, you just make this choice and.
Speaker B:Whoa, whoa.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:I mean, these are like facing the floor.
Speaker B:God, you got to give me the strength to be able to make this choice.
Speaker B:What are some of the choices that you've made over the years so that you are able to coexist with both joy and sorrow and not just be swallowed up into bitterness?
Speaker C:There were so many days, especially in those first months, years where I was angry.
Speaker C:I had to deal with anger.
Speaker C:I was angry at the man who hit us, although it was strictly a weather related accident.
Speaker C:I was angry at my husband for deciding we should go take that trip that morning.
Speaker C:I was angry at myself for not standing up and saying no, staying home.
Speaker C:Angry at so many, angry at God for why would you take my son?
Speaker C:And I had to learn to, to deal with that.
Speaker C:There were times I wanted to crawl and people would say, you are so strong.
Speaker C:And that, that would make me angry because I didn't feel strong, but I didn't feel like I had a choice.
Speaker C:You know what they said?
Speaker C:You just keep going.
Speaker C:Well, your choice is to what, Curl up in the corner and quit?
Speaker C:But that neighbor's words really proved to be a challenge.
Speaker C:She and her husband had lost a son years before and they lived across the street from my parents.
Speaker C:And I knew her to be an angry, unhappy, bitter woman.
Speaker C:And I didn't want to be like the.
Speaker C:And this is, is more of I am 30 years out, 30 years out from that wreck.
Speaker C:And I can look back and see that that anger was best dealt with through forgiveness.
Speaker C:Not easy, not quick.
Speaker C:Kind of comes in layers sometime.
Speaker C:But forgiveness is the way to deal with that anger.
Speaker C:I've learned that joy and sorrow can coexist.
Speaker C:I think of that.
Speaker C:I don't know if we can see this.
Speaker C:It's kind of like a balance, like when that grief is new, that the grief is sharp and the pain is real and it's intense and it's all consuming.
Speaker C:And the joy is like way down here, we don't even see it.
Speaker C:But God has filled this world with beauty and creation and things that make us laugh.
Speaker C:And so before long, that joy is going to start to bubble up.
Speaker C:And before you know it, you'll realize that here they are, joy and sorrow.
Speaker C:And some days, what do you know that joy even outweighs?
Speaker C:Then an anniversary date will come, knock it back out.
Speaker C:But I've learned you have to be aware of, if not proactive in seeking it for.
Speaker B:So how, how can, how does that happen in real life?
Speaker B:Boots on the ground kind of way?
Speaker B:I'm sure that someone in our audience today is in.
Speaker B:They might not be dealing with the exact same kind of loss.
Speaker B:Maybe they might be, you know, we're just right now in our country, there's a lot of grief and mourning that's going on because we've lost tremendous numbers of lives due to some of the natural disasters that we've had recently.
Speaker B:And those are just the things that get highlighted.
Speaker B:But there's all kinds of losses that occur in individual lives.
Speaker B:Wrecks, you know, and fortunately they're not always caused by accidents or weather.
Speaker B:And we could just go through the whole spectrum of things.
Speaker B:So for somebody who right now, they're not years or decades out of their situation, they're right smack in the middle of it.
Speaker B:What might that look like in terms of inviting, seeing, choosing to still see the joy and not in a way to escape from the pain, but in a way to acknowledge that these two things can coexist.
Speaker C:First of all, to those of you that have experienced loss of whatever kind, I'm so sorry.
Speaker C:And if you, if that loss is fresh, that joy is going to seem distant.
Speaker C:Be gentle with yourself, be patient with yourself as you grieve and if you're not belly laughing right close to that, it's okay.
Speaker C:But when that first little giggle escapes or that first smile creeps across your face, don't feel guilty because it, it will happen.
Speaker C:And it is possible to have those two at the same time.
Speaker C:I'll tell you, there were two times in really tough times for me and one of them was, was not as severe as the loss, but it was before when my husband was in jail and I had a two year old and we'd had to move back home with my mom and dad.
Speaker C:And this was, this was before the wreck.
Speaker C:This was when my Matthew was 2 and my husband was in jail and my mom, Matthew and I had to move back in with my mom and dad.
Speaker C:And I was angry and I was mad and I, I was griping to a friend just n n n n n.
Speaker C:And she said, Michelle Riddell, she says you need to go home and make a gratitude with.
Speaker B:And, and you wanted to smack her, right?
Speaker C:I said, don't, you know, I don't have anything to be grateful for.
Speaker C:And she asked me, she said, do you and Matthew have a roof over your head?
Speaker C:Not my roof, but yeah.
Speaker C:She said, do you have food on the table?
Speaker C:Yeah, it's not what I want, but yeah.
Speaker C:She said, now go home and finish the list.
Speaker C:And I did.
Speaker C:There was another time several years after the wreck, probably, I don't remember, maybe three or four years after, and it was the anniversary date of the wreck.
Speaker C:Anniversary dates are hard, birthdays are hard, anniversary dates are hard.
Speaker C:And this was one of those times.
Speaker C:And if you've, if you've been in grief, you kind of know that feeling where your world is stopped and everybody else seems to keep going.
Speaker C:And this was that day, it was an anniversary date and nobody around me noticed and the world was just going on as normal.
Speaker C:But my world didn't feel normal at all.
Speaker C:And I was struggling as a single parent and I was tired of taking care of two kids on my own and I was tired of trying to keep up with the house and all the things.
Speaker C:And I was tired of missing my son.
Speaker C:And I was ready for it to be done.
Speaker C:And I thought this would be so much easier if I was in heaven with Matthew and my girls would be better off.
Speaker C:And I had a plan.
Speaker C:But by divine intervention, I used the phone instead, called a friend of mine and she taught me out of my plan, derailed my plan.
Speaker C:And I'm getting to this gratitude thing because she said, michelle, I want you to write down every bad thing you're feeling, every hurt, every bit of anger, every bad thing that's happened, every bad thing that you're feeling right now, write it down.
Speaker C:And I thought she gets it.
Speaker C:And then she said for every page of bad you have to write a page of good.
Speaker C:She said if you have one page of bad, then you need one page of good.
Speaker C:She said, if you have five pages of bad, then you need five pages of good.
Speaker C:She said, michelle, there is so much God is doing so much good in your life and you don't even see it right this minute.
Speaker C:So she said, write it down and have it on my desk at 8:00 in the morning.
Speaker C:And it was midnight.
Speaker C:And you know, she was right and I did it one because I trusted her too.
Speaker C:I was just a little bit scared of what might happen if I didn't.
Speaker C:I did that and what you focus on seems bigger.
Speaker C:So when you focus on that joy, even though that sorrow is there now, that that may not come right after, I think in the right after, when that loss is fresh, you've got to be gentle with yourself.
Speaker C:You've got to ask God for help, you've got to let other people help.
Speaker C:Well, my sister in law, when she lost her daughter in a car wreck, I said, every ounce of energy you've got is going to be taken up with walking and breathing and just your normal everyday task is going to take superhuman effort.
Speaker C:I said, you got to let somebody else do the dishes and take the Trash out.
Speaker C:You've got to let other people help when that grief is fresh and new.
Speaker C:But just hang on to that hope that you know that joy is coming.
Speaker C:The Bible says that weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning.
Speaker C:It doesn't say how long the night will be, doesn't say how many of those nights we will endure.
Speaker C:But it does make that promise that joy will come in the morning.
Speaker C:It also says during that weeping says God is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Speaker C:And I've lived it through the death of my son, through divorce, through estrangement from a child.
Speaker C:I've lived that in so many ways that God has proven himself faithful and has proven that that joy does come in the morning.
Speaker C:He's good.
Speaker B:You know, one of the things, you know, as you're talking about that and joy and I know I would say probably maybe about five years ago, my perspective on joy began to change.
Speaker B:I had always, even though I hadn't really sat down and identified it, I recognized that I kind of thought of joy as kind of like the icing on a cupcake.
Speaker B:Like, okay, it's nice if you get it, but it's not an integral part of life, right.
Speaker B:I, I can kind of live with.
Speaker B:It's a treat, it's like a reward.
Speaker B:You know, you, you do enough right things and you get the cupcake and then you get all this frosting on top of it, right?
Speaker B:And, and then I realized, and I know, okay, I know these, this is an old fashioned expression, but it comes probably from my years of teaching ancient history, but I felt like, you know, it's not so much like a cupcake with a thick layer of frosting.
Speaker B:It's like a catapult.
Speaker B:And I know we are not using catapults in our military anymore and I'm not thinking they're going to be making a comeback, but, but you know, catapults were an amazing piece of weaponry that was used for a long period of time.
Speaker B:And I mean, it could demolish huge city walls.
Speaker B:I mean, walls that are, are multiple layers, you know, thick when, when it was used correctly.
Speaker B:And to see that the joy of the Lord is our strength and yet also to say that joy doesn't mean that I pretend like everything's fine.
Speaker B:And I love that as you're sharing that you are, I just hear you talking in a way where you are equally focused on the grief and the pain is there and it's not a matter of trying to erase it.
Speaker B:It's a matter that I hold both of these things in a state of tension.
Speaker B:So how, how do I do that where the goal isn't, well, I have to kind of act like pain is, isn't present in my life anymore.
Speaker B:And then, and then joy, you know, can, can show up.
Speaker B:So I really appreciate, you know, your, your, your take on that.
Speaker B:One of the things that you said earlier was like, when you first, when you feel that first giggle that starts to come up, you know, one of your great words of wisdom to a person in that situation is don't feel guilty about that.
Speaker B:I'm wondering if you had other people around you, they didn't necessarily have to be close to you.
Speaker B:It might just been acquaintances or strangers or whatever who said things to you that were either really helpful or really not helpful.
Speaker B:And so these are things that we can learn from as, as you've navigated this, this process.
Speaker B:And not just one loss, but, but other losses through your life where it's like that really made a difference in a positive way.
Speaker B:Or when people say things like that, you need to just tune them out because they don't know what they're talking about.
Speaker C:When, when I wrote my book called welcome to the Club, I'm sorry, you're here for grieving parents, and I did a little survey on social media and I asked people, what did people say that felt and what did people say that hurt?
Speaker C:And unfortunately, the overwhelming responses that I got were that things that people remembered, the things that stuck out were things that hurt.
Speaker C:Things like quoting all things work together for good.
Speaker C:Please don't quote that one to somebody who is grieving.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker C:Know that it's true, but that's not a good timing.
Speaker C:Things.
Speaker C:Oh, we've all heard it, like, you can have other kids or, you know, just the things.
Speaker C:And I realized as I was writing that book and I was writing those things down that people had said.
Speaker C:A friend of mine who lost a son told me one time, she said, I'm going to write a book about the stupid things people say.
Speaker C:And I'm like, it's not out of intent to hurt at all.
Speaker C:What I realized was that people are trying.
Speaker C:They're searching for the words, they're trying to find anything to say that they think will make that pain less.
Speaker C:On the other hand, you've got somebody that's grieving and there are no words that are going to take away that pain.
Speaker C:And when you've got this person trying to come up with something, anything to say to make it better, and this person who's grieving and it's not going to make it better, then we can really get some hurt feelings.
Speaker C:Just give them a hug and say, I'm sorry and I'm praying for you.
Speaker C:Or do something for them tangible like bring a meal or take the trash out for I did have a friend tell me she lost her husband two years before we lost Matthew and the rep and it was very unexpected.
Speaker C:He was 35 years old.
Speaker C:But she told me, she said, don't let anybody tell you how to grieve.
Speaker C:She said each person grieves in an individual way.
Speaker C:She said they talk about the stages.
Speaker C:She said, but you may go through all of them in a week and you may go back through them again.
Speaker C:You may, she said the key is to not get stuck.
Speaker C:That was very helpful.
Speaker D:We're going to pause our conversation here and we'll continue next week.
Speaker D:Michelle is a fountain of wisdom and encouragement.
Speaker D:And today as we close out this podcast, I just want you wherever you are.
Speaker D:Maybe you are dealing with a devastating loss right now in your life.
Speaker D:It could be a child, a spouse, a parent, a sibling, a friend.
Speaker D:Maybe there are other kinds of losses.
Speaker D:Divorce is a loss.
Speaker D:There are job losses that can be devastating to people.
Speaker D:There are a lot of kinds of losses that we experience in this life.
Speaker D:And I hope that you will take Michelle's message that joy and sorrow can coexist and in order to not become a person of bitterness and closeness, that you actively pursue that.
Speaker D:And I love what she shared with us that someone had shared with her.
Speaker D:And that is you grieve in your way and on your timetable.
Speaker D:And I know that Michelle's got more to say about that when we continue next week.
Speaker D:And also, you know, as she talked about the dumb things that we can say or the dumb things that we can hear from other people when we are struggling with loss.
Speaker D:And especially when those things come packaged in a Bible verse.
Speaker D:Oh, the harm that those can cause, the hurt that they can cause.
Speaker D:Just because we put a Bible verse on something does not make it true.
Speaker D:After all, Satan used scripture to tempt Jesus in the wilderness.
Speaker D:So it's not just scripture that makes it true.
Speaker D:It's how is it being used?
Speaker D:Is it being twisted and destroyed, distorted and misapplied, even if it is well intentioned.
Speaker D:You know, if I'm driving and I get distracted and I cause a wreck because of my distraction and I hurt somebody else, they're not less hurt because it happened unintentionally and because I wasn't trying to run them down.
Speaker D:And in the same way we want to be mindful that our words can be as hurt hurtful even when they are quote, well intentioned.
Speaker D:So as Michelle said, you know what, just your don't underestimate the gift of your presence and don't feel like that you have to come up with an explanation when there isn't one.
Speaker D:Don't manufacture one so that it because you're trying to help somebody else better.
Speaker D:Because really for really, really honest.
Speaker D:I know for me that when I do something like that, the reality is I'm trying to make it easier for myself.
Speaker D:That way I can just say something to somebody and I can walk away thinking okay, I gave them truth, I gave them encouragement, rah rah rah.
Speaker D:And it's really more about me.
Speaker D:But when I my heart is right and I'm willing to just shoot up and to be present in that pain with them without trying to give an explanation for it, that's when my heart is really right and it's being there to support and encourage them.
Speaker D:I also want to encourage you check out Michelle's book and her website.
Speaker D:She is a fantastic speaker and we will have those links in the show notes.
Speaker D:Make sure that you visit her website, you get her book and get more than one copy, get one for you and then keep some to have on hand so that you can hand somebody something when a friend or a family member or a co worker is going through a loss.
Speaker D:Because what Michelle has written, she's written to be a source of encouragement and strength and it's not filled with dumb stuff.
Speaker D:It's filled with things that are really, truly helpful.
Speaker D:And I know she's got some other things that are going to be coming up soon and so you want to check that out as well.
Speaker D:All right, my friend, that is going to wrap us up for today.
Speaker D:Hey, if you haven't been to my website lately, make sure to visit Stephanie presents.com I've got two new books out.
Speaker D:There's a course, a communications course for high school students that I have co authored with the one and only Ken Davis that is equipping high school students with a phenomenal life skill.
Speaker D:I mean, what would it be like to have high school students who could go into college, go into the workforce, go into the world prepared with an effective way to communicate with power?
Speaker D:Well, there is.
Speaker D:So you can check that out on the website.
Speaker D:I also have a new book out.
Speaker D:It's a short and savvy guide to the great brain remodel of adolescence.
Speaker D:Because the brain really does go through this fantastic remodel roughly for about somewhere between ages 12 and 24.
Speaker D:It takes about 10 years for the process to happen.
Speaker D:And as parents and educators, when we can understand how that impacts priorities and perspective and desires and all of those kind of things, oh, what a difference it can make.
Speaker D:That will build our confidence and our effectiveness and even our empathy.
Speaker D:It's also a great resource to have adolescents read themselves so there's nothing in there that you have to hide from them.
Speaker D:And I encourage you to do that because it will help them to be able to go, oh, this is what's going to happen.
Speaker D:Or this is what is happening to me in this season of life.
Speaker D:And of course, there's information there on speaking engagements.
Speaker D:I'd love to hear from you and connect with you about speaking at your church or women's event or for a parenting conference.
Speaker D:Also homeschool organizations and Christian schools.
Speaker D:All right, my friend, that's going to wrap us up for today.
Speaker D:Remember this, you have an impact that is immeasurable, eternal and irreplaceable.
Speaker D:See you next time for Part two with Michelle Riddell.
Speaker A:Thank you for listening.
Speaker A:Visit the website, start stephaniepresents.com and sign up for High Impact to join the mission of building spiritually strong, emotionally healthy, and relationally smart women and families.
Speaker A:You can also book Stephanie to speak at your event and check out additional resources.
Speaker A:Together we can invite and equip generations to engage fully in God's grand story.
