Why is This Question Crucial for Adults & Kids?
What's one of the most courageous, vulnerable, and life-altering questions you can ask? Why make this part of your ongoing parenting dialogue?
"Why don't I have it?" ("It" being a goal or desire.)
Many frameworks about goals and outcomes include the two questions we've focused on the past two episodes:
- What do I want?
- Why do I want it?
But many don't ask the third. Without answering this question, you can get stuck on a hamster wheel or move from one race to another but never achieve what you want. Honest and in-depth answers to this question can reveal:
- The presence and dangers of perfectionism
- Fears of failure and success
- Attitudes of entitlement
- Hidden roadblocks that can be removed with creativity and insight
Discover how this question (along with the other three) helps not only ourselves but our children develop self-awareness, confidence, and humility.
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Transcript
What do you think?
Speaker A:Is the question that naturally follows after the first two we have been discussing what do I want?
Speaker A:And why do I want it?
Speaker A:We're going to talk about that third incredibly important question today that often gets skipped and messages of this type and in our culture.
Speaker A:So stay tuned.
Speaker B:If your desire is to become spiritually stronger, emotionally healthier, and relationally smarter, you're at the right place.
Speaker B:Speaker and writer Stephanie Smith inspires and equips you to achieve these three key aims.
Speaker B:If you're a parent, you also learn how to raise empowered kids ready for adulthood.
Speaker B:Let's get started.
Speaker A:Welcome back to the podcast.
Speaker A:I'm delighted that you are here.
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Speaker A:I have a fresh article in there.
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Speaker A:And a lot of times there's discounts on on my own personal resources and things of that nature.
Speaker A:So make sure to sign up for that.
Speaker A:And hey, you know what?
Speaker A:The thing is, if after, you know, several weeks of getting that newsletter and really getting a flavor for it, if you're like, you know what?
Speaker A:This just isn't my deal.
Speaker A:You know what?
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Speaker A:I know what it is to have a lot of things pouring into my email box and I only want that people that find the content that I am producing helpful and beneficial to them, you know that's the only reason to be in your email box.
Speaker A:And that's just an understanding that we have.
Speaker A:I have been talking about for the last couple of weeks what I consider to be four of life's most crucial and courageous questions.
Speaker A:These are not one and done.
Speaker A:It's not like, okay, I asked myself this at once, or I asked myself this only at evident times in my life.
Speaker A:These are questions to ask on an ongoing basis.
Speaker A:And not only are they great questions for you to ask that can make a huge difference in your life, but they are questions that you can incorporate into your family relationships, even very Young children, toddlers, you can start introducing these questions to them.
Speaker A:The answer sometimes might surprise you.
Speaker A:And not only are you going to get information from from them about what's going on in their minds, whether they're two or whether they're 12 or whether they're 17, but you are doing something far more important as well.
Speaker A:You will be in cultivating in them the skill of self awareness.
Speaker A:Self awareness is not the same thing as selfishness, and it's not just woo woo, feel good stuff.
Speaker A:Self awareness is one of the most spiritual tasks and skills that we can develop.
Speaker A:And out of that can also come emotional health and relational wisdom.
Speaker A:Have you ever looked around and noticed that the most self absorbed people typically are the least self aware?
Speaker A:Yep, those two things have an inverse relationship.
Speaker A:And self awareness isn't just sitting down every day and getting into some weird contemplative mode.
Speaker A:Self awareness is learning to ask yourself key questions, and four of those I have been discussing.
Speaker A:The first two that we have talked about are what do I want?
Speaker A:And why do I want it?
Speaker A:Now, I will admit those questions are not revolutionary.
Speaker A:It's not like you've never heard those before, or they're not embedded in our culture.
Speaker A:But this third question is one that seldom gets talked about, and it may be one of the most critical questions of all.
Speaker A:You ready?
Speaker A:Here it is.
Speaker A:Why don't I have it?
Speaker A:After you have asked yourself, what do I want?
Speaker A:And then why do I want that?
Speaker A:Following that up with why don't I have it?
Speaker A:Is incredibly revealing.
Speaker A:Now, a lot of times paradigms like this and frameworks like this, they jump this question and they go straight from what do I want?
Speaker A:To the last question.
Speaker A:All right, spoiler alert here.
Speaker A:The last question and what am I willing to do to get it?
Speaker A:So a lot of messaging around this just has the first and last questions, what do I want?
Speaker A:And then what am I willing to do to get it?
Speaker A:Other frameworks do include that second question of why do I want it?
Speaker A:But not a lot really dive into and why don't I have it?
Speaker A:And this is where you can answer this at a surface level.
Speaker A:But if you're a person committed to growth and integrity and to living a life and modeling that and passing that on to upcoming generations of intentionality, of awareness, of having an approach to life that says I want to live with earthly excellence and eternal significance, if those are both of what you value, this third question cannot be skipped because this is the question that gets our excuses and our blame and our justification, our fears also, as well out onto the table.
Speaker A:And sometimes we look at those and go, oh, I got some work to do, or I need to take some responsibility for my life, or I need a mindset shift.
Speaker A:You see, when we get to, why don't I have this?
Speaker A:Let's say, for example, that you really want to have a better job.
Speaker A:Okay, sounds great.
Speaker A:Somebody asked you, why do you want it?
Speaker A:And you might be able to rattle off a list of answers.
Speaker A:Maybe it is because you work in an environment where you can just see you're not going anywhere.
Speaker A:The way that the business is set up, the management that is in place, whatever it is, I mean, it might just even be the fact that they've told you, look, this is the job.
Speaker A:If you're looking for promotions and you're looking for moving up, don't count on it.
Speaker A:It's just not what we do here.
Speaker A:And that can happen.
Speaker A:But that's not very typical.
Speaker A:It's more typical that those opportunities are there.
Speaker A:But you don't see yourself stepping into this.
Speaker A:And this is where you, when you answer that third question, why not?
Speaker A:Why don't I have the better job?
Speaker A:Whether it's with this company, whether it's with another, whether it's running my own organization, why don't I have that?
Speaker A:And this is where, if you will answer it honestly and it takes so much courage to be honest and to be vulnerable, then you're going to be able to identify what's holding you back.
Speaker A:Because ultimately, there's only two ways to answer that question.
Speaker A:It's either to say there are other people, or there's another person who is standing in the way of your objective, or you're standing in the way of reaching your objective.
Speaker A:Or I guess, okay, there is a third.
Speaker A:And that would be a combination of both of them.
Speaker A:When it's a matter of looking at it and saying that there's another person or there's a group of people or a system, there might just truly be an institutional system in place that is holding you back from what you're wanting to accomplish, what you're wanting to obtain.
Speaker A:Sometimes the reason that we don't want to look at that is because it can cultivate just a sense of helplessness.
Speaker A:And we just don't see any way to get around that system, around that individual.
Speaker A:And we, as long as we don't really answer that, then we can keep kind of working and thinking somehow in the back of our head that something's going to change, that person is going to change.
Speaker A:Maybe if we just do enough, then that will prompt them to change, and somehow it will all work out.
Speaker A:But sometimes what we do is when we really look at it, then we have to confront if that person needs to change in order for me to accomplish my objective, how likely is that to happen?
Speaker A:And that is a scary question.
Speaker A:And it's scary because it puts us in a place of vulnerability, not helplessness.
Speaker A:Helplessness and vulnerability are not the same thing.
Speaker A:But what we recognize is if we are dependent on someone else to get what we want, we don't get to control everything.
Speaker A:That puts us in a position of vulnerability.
Speaker A:And as human beings, we're not terribly wired to really like vulnerability.
Speaker A:I mean, it's great when it works out well, it stinks when it doesn't.
Speaker A:And if we look and say, you know what, that person, that individual, that group, that system, they're just not likely to change.
Speaker A:I mean, we might hope that they will.
Speaker A:We might even be able to see trends, tremendous value and benefit for them or that company or department, if just these things would change.
Speaker A:But if we look at it and say that's not likely to happen, then it comes back on us, and then we have to decide, all right, so what are we going to do in response to that?
Speaker A:Now, sometimes it's possible that we can look at it and say, you know what?
Speaker A:In order to achieve what I want here, then I do need this other person or group or whatever to change.
Speaker A:And that is not inherently bad in itself.
Speaker A:You know, sometimes there are things that people do or organizations do, and they just don't realize the impact that they're having.
Speaker A:They don't realize how that's coming across.
Speaker A:And so it doesn't just automatically mean you throw up your hands and say, there's nothing I can do.
Speaker A:You can say, all right, before I just throw at my hands and write them off, what could I do that's in a healthy way?
Speaker A:Not manipulative, not pleading, not begging, not codependent, not any of those things, but in a way that does try to help them to see how this is in their best interest to change and that you're working with them for the benefit of.
Speaker A:Of both of you.
Speaker A:So that's absolutely a possibility.
Speaker A:And a couple of really great books that I would recommend, if you find yourself in that situation, are Crucial Conversations is the first book.
Speaker A:And then if it needs to be a much more intense, harder talk, then the book Crucial Confrontations.
Speaker A:Those are great resources that can really walk you through how to approach those types of situations effectively and in a healthy way.
Speaker A:But let's just say, that's not a positive, that's not an option.
Speaker A:Or you try it and it just all goes up in flames.
Speaker A:Then when you look at it and say, all right, so now what am I going to.
Speaker A:And this is where you have to decide.
Speaker A:Are you going to act from a place of empowerment, or are you going to act from a place of entitlement?
Speaker A:Or are you going to act from a place of helplessness?
Speaker A:Are you going to be an agent of what is good?
Speaker A:Are you going to be kind of like spoiled and demand that you should have this?
Speaker A:Or are you going to throw up your hands and act like there's absolutely nothing you can do?
Speaker A:Well, you can understand there's only one of those options.
Speaker A:That's a healthy one, and that is acting from a place of empowerment, of agents that you have options.
Speaker A:They might not be dancing right in front of you, waving their signs so that you can clearly see what they are, but they are there.
Speaker A:And maybe you need some wise counsel from friends, from peers, from therapists who can help you to identify what your options are, but they are there.
Speaker A:Now, sometimes what we see is that it's not somebody else or a group of people or a system that's holding us back.
Speaker A:Sometimes we look at it and we realize, you know what?
Speaker A:It's us holding ourselves.
Speaker A:And that can be from anything from laziness to perfectionism.
Speaker A:Perfectionism is really a type of fear.
Speaker A:Not empowering, it's not healthy.
Speaker A:It's both a type of fear and sometimes it's also a sense of entitlement.
Speaker A:You know, sometimes we don't always think about that being a part of perfectionism, or it can be a part of perfectionism.
Speaker A:Not saying it always is, but it can be a part of perfectionism.
Speaker A:It's kind of like everybody else can wait on me until I get everything done perfectly.
Speaker A:And that's not really caring about other people.
Speaker A:That's just a sense of entitlement.
Speaker A:It just kind of comes wrapped in a way that it doesn't pronounce itself and in big, bold letters.
Speaker A:But that's really what's going on there.
Speaker A:But I think far more often perfectionism is rooted in fear.
Speaker A:We're afraid of two things.
Speaker A:We're afraid of failure, and we can be equally afraid of success.
Speaker A:That's right.
Speaker A:We can be afraid of both.
Speaker A:And sometimes we can be afraid of both at the same time.
Speaker A:Or maybe in some areas of life, we're afraid of failure.
Speaker A:And maybe in other areas of life, we're afraid of success.
Speaker A:Now, I have experience with both of those kind of fears.
Speaker A:And one of the things that I have recognized is I can have more fear of success sometimes than what I realize.
Speaker A:And you know, kind of as I've looked at that, you know, in my life and kind of like, man, where is all that come from?
Speaker A:And it comes from a lot of different places.
Speaker A:But one of the things that I remember was, you know, growing up is one of the phrases that I heard a lot, just not just in family of origin, but just in the culture, just kind of in a community and different things.
Speaker A:What people would say is they would.
Speaker A:They would make a comment about someone and how they were too big for their britches and don't get too big for your britches.
Speaker A:And I understand that there was a.
Speaker A:That what was meant by that was somebody to say not to think arrogantly, not to think higher of themselves than they should.
Speaker A:But when that is coupled with a fear of, oh no, what if I become that?
Speaker A:Then that can squelch success.
Speaker A:What happens if I'm successful?
Speaker A:Am I going to be somebody who then is too big for my britches?
Speaker A:And so we all have these different things, whether it's a fear of success, whether it's a fear of failure, that when we ask ourselves this question, why don't I have this thing that I want?
Speaker A:Then it can clue us in to these hidden fears and attitudes and mindsets that are holding us back.
Speaker A:And then we get to decide what we're going to do with them.
Speaker A:Are we going to confront them?
Speaker A:Are we going to work through them, or are we going to run and hide from them?
Speaker A:I would love to tell you that evasion is a great life hack.
Speaker A:I really would.
Speaker A:I would so be a fan of that choice.
Speaker A:If I could just evade hard confrontations even with my own self, I would sign up for that plan in a heartbeat.
Speaker A:Unfortunately, that does not align with the way we're designed and the way that God has designed the world to work.
Speaker A:It seems that growth only happens through perseverance.
Speaker A:And that is not happening by evading.
Speaker A:That is happening by confronting something and going forward through it.
Speaker A:That's what builds a sense of confidence.
Speaker A:That's what builds a sense of empowerment.
Speaker A:That's what lets somebody know when they come up against a hard thing that they can do that hard thing because they've done hard things in the past.
Speaker A:It's not just if I psych myself up, it's if I have internally learned I can do some hard things.
Speaker A:Why?
Speaker A:Because my mind, my body, my heart have done hard things.
Speaker A:Before that becomes an intrinsic knowledge that somebody cannot take away from me.
Speaker A:If I am over reliant on what other people are telling me that I am capable of, then what happens when they are not telling me that?
Speaker A:I mean, I can just fall apart.
Speaker A:And this is one of the things that we need to do with our kids.
Speaker A:And this is one of the reasons why we let them and even put them in situations for appropriate struggle because they have to learn internally they can do hard things.
Speaker A:Now, I am not a fan of this whole approach of you pick your kid up and you throw them in the swimming pool and go, okay, swim or drown kid.
Speaker A:I'm not talking about ridiculous stuff like that, whether it's with physical actual swimming or whether it's using that as a metaphor.
Speaker A:I am talking about what is age appropriate.
Speaker A:But what I have seen culturally is we have moved so far to the extreme of keeping our kids safe that we are not actually building the confidence within them and the skills and the strength that will allow them to keep themselves safe throughout their lifetime.
Speaker A:Because our safety as parents, it has an expiration date on it.
Speaker A:I mean, okay, yes, I know there are parents who are like following their kids to college and even on into adult life, trying to protect them from everything that is not sustainable, just saying, not sustainable for either individual.
Speaker A:And it is certainly not what you want to set up for your kid, for them to expect and their other relationships throughout life.
Speaker A:Now the other benefit of asking yourself this question, so why don't I have it?
Speaker A:Is it can also open up your mind creativity to see, hey, what are some other options?
Speaker A:You know what I never really identified, that is what is standing in my way.
Speaker A:Now that I recognize that I have some ideas, I can begin to brainstorm, I can ask other people, I can start getting thoughtful and creative about how I am going to get past through that obstacle.
Speaker A:So asking yourself these three questions, what do I want?
Speaker A:Why do I want it?
Speaker A:Why don't I have it?
Speaker A:And then learning to ask these questions in your family, if you are a parent, ask your kids these questions.
Speaker A:You know, if you just made a practice every single day of getting up and asking each of your kids, hey, tell me something, what do you want for today?
Speaker A:What do you want for this week?
Speaker A:And then you say, okay, so tell me why you want that.
Speaker A:Don't just assume, you know, no matter how blatantly obvious it might seem to you that answer because sometimes they will surprise you.
Speaker A:And then if it's something that is within their capacity to make happen for themselves and it's not happening, then you can ask them, so why don't you have that?
Speaker A:Or if it's looking into the future for that day or that week, you might say, so what do you think would be standing in the way of that happening?
Speaker A:And if you just made that an ongoing practice, two things are going to happen.
Speaker A:First, you're going to become a lot more attuned to how the people and your kids think.
Speaker A:Not just what they think, but you're going to become attuned to how they think.
Speaker A:Don't confuse proximity with intimacy.
Speaker A:That is a huge mistake that parents make.
Speaker A:Raising my own hand here, having been guilty of that in the past, that's why I'm telling you, don't make that mistake.
Speaker A:And then secondly, what it does is it is building self awareness.
Speaker A:It's equipping your kids with a set of tools that they can then use throughout the rest of their life.
Speaker A:This is a set of tools.
Speaker A:These four questions are a set of tools that your kids can and should take with them into adulthood.
Speaker A:Because these are not questions with an expiration date.
Speaker A:These are the questions that we can literally be asking ourselves and our family until the day we take our less breath.
Speaker A:And of course, I say all of this from a place as a Christian, as a follower of Christ.
Speaker A:One of the biggest reasons to ask ourselves these questions, the most important reason to ask ourselves these questions is because it helps us to see where we are growing in grace and knowledge of Jesus Christ and where we are not.
Speaker A:And it can help us to see those growth gaps, those areas where there might need to be repentance, there might need to be change, there might need to be a difference in our mindset where we realize, you know what, my thinking here really isn't lining up with what God has said.
Speaker A:And sometimes that might be something that we're able to see in a very clear way, but sometimes it becomes those hidden kind of fears that don't show up because they're not registering on the scale of, you know, thou shalt not commit adultery, you know, kind of things.
Speaker A:But they still have an impact in our life, in our relationship with God and in our ability to walk in the fullness of the life that he has desired for us to have and that he paid his own life for us to be able to have.
Speaker A:All right, my friend, that's going to wrap us up.
Speaker A:We're going to be back with the last of these questions and then we're going to have a two part interview specifically for moms and have some great information there, so you're definitely going to want to make sure that you tune into that if you haven't already.
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